Some days are just hard.
Like ridiculously hard. Each day basically starts off two ways for me. I either
wake up to make breakfast for my daughters or I wake up to pursue making a
better life for them. Most of the time it’s both, but it’s my life at the moment
and I’m going to make the best of this situation for myself but more
importantly my girls.
Life has certainly taken a turn that I didn’t expect and
I am left here thinking “What now?” “Where do I go from this? “ “Who am I?”
“Where is God in all of this?”: questions that once upon a time I thought I
answered. I never thought I would be
here in this situation, a….divorce.
The
ugly truth is regardless of fault or blame or hurt...divorce happens. Sometimes
people take so much from you that the best you can do is leave. Sometimes it's
a betrayal. Sometimes it's a mutual understanding that two people who once made
each other happy simply do not anymore. Regardless of why it happens, a divorce
doesn't get anything back for you. The payment was made before the divorce. The
pain and suffering and tears and anger and fear were all payment. And when one
or both people decide the cost of the marriage is too high to keep paying, it's
capped and signed for. This is what divorce does. It ends the payment. It doesn't
start it. Divorce separates you from your spouse. It doesn't paint one person a
bad guy and the other an angel. It doesn't draw a line in the sand and demand
everyone to pick a side or pay a fine. That's judgment better left to the Lord.
What happens too often, though, is that people hear divorce and immediately
judge those involved. In most cases you could probably take every wrong done
during the marriage and weigh it. Most likely it would probably fall heavier on
one side. But those failings and wrongs were done before the divorce. A married
couple could have a lot to be judged by but a divorced couple just wants the
payment to end. Do they get off Scott free? No. A divorce is bloody. Even on
the best of terms there's carnage. If children are involved, it's even more
heart wrenching. Most people don't walk down the aisle intending to fail. It's
not a preconceived plot to ruin lives. But it does happen. And those left in
the ashes regardless of side or allocated parenting time or consolidated stuff,
are left broken and feeling the loss. Because there is a huge loss and im not
talking about the splitting of assets. I'm talking Dreams. Expectations.
Families. Friends. Time with your own children. Divorce is not freedom from
loss. If divorce is an end to the payment of marriage. Loss is the consequence.
And one everyone has to give to. The ones that make it through are never left
quite the same. I do believe God has a bigger plan than divorce though.
The worst part about the divorce for me is my daughters.
The fact that I’m not there 100% of the time anymore or that their mother isn’t
there, the fact that I have to explain to them that they now have two homes,
two birthdays, two of everything. The moment when they want their mother but
it’s just me trying my best to console them and meet their need that they feel
only their mom can meet at that moment. I think, does that happen while they
are gone? Do they call out for me and I’m not there? The thought is gut
wrenching and heart breaking. I find myself snapping awake in the middle of
the night because I think I hear one of them up. Nope, I just forgot that they
are with their mother but yet I can’t help myself and I get up and go look at
their empty beds
Divorce is tragic, there are no magic solutions or pretty
words that I can spin on this to make it ok. It’s not ok. My family is not ok.
I could quote scripture or say something that would take the sting away from
the awfulness of this blog but I wont. It’s not meant to be fluff and it’s not
meant to portray anything other than what it is. Divorce is awful, hearts have
been hurt and are in need of healing, a family has been broken. I’ve questioned
myself writing this over and over again but I feel like I need to put it out
there so my family and friends will know.
I feel like I need to apologize to people I ministered
over the years and to family and friends. I am sorry, this is not what I
wanted..this is not what I had in mind when setting an example for those around
us. I don’t need forgiveness for this from people to move forward in life. Only God and
myself can offer that. What I do ask for is that you all continue to pray for us in this
transition. Pray for me. Pray for Katie. Pray for the girls. That in the mist
of this that God is found in the hurt of all of this.
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